Your Lack of Faith Disturbs Me!

Doubt (2008)

Rating ... C (40)


An Exclusive Interview with THE DIRECTOR


ME
I really appreciate you sitting down to speak
with me today about Doubt. Opportunities like
this don't usually just fall into my lap.

THE DIRECTOR
It's the least I can do in exchange for you
lending me your Junkyo Bell.

ME
Just for the record, I don't own a Junkyo Bell.
No seriously.

THE DIRECTOR
Maybe not in IRL.

ME
(nervously)
Before we continue, I feel I should clarify a
few things about the plot and the title for the
sake of those who have never heard of this film
before.

THE DIRECTOR
Spoilers in the keywords.

ME
Just by looking at the title I'd wager there are
a lot of people who would assume Doubt is a film
concerning faith and spiritual uncertainty.

THE DIRECTOR
And those people would be complete idiots! I
have absolutely no intention of exploring such
trivial and outdated topics! This isn't the Dark
Ages, it's the mother- [ EXPLETIVE DELETED ]
2000's!

ME
What do you mean?

THE DIRECTOR
This is a film about how Catholic priests rape
little boys.

THE DIRECTOR (CONT'D)
To clarify, the term Doubt is relevant as in "I
doubt you didn't molest that young black boy!"

THE DIRECTOR (CONT'D)
(offended)
What?

ME
Wow, he's black too?

THE DIRECTOR
You bet.

ME
Doesn't that seem like overkill, really? I mean,
is child molestation not controversial or
ostentatious enough by itself?

THE DIRECTOR
The fact that he's black TOTALLY MATTERS. If
he wasn't black, how could Amy Adams confront
his overwrought black mother?

ME
I was just hoping directors had given up topical
sensationalism. In other words, you can lead a
nun to water but you can't make her drink.

THE DIRECTOR
Well, even if that part is a tad over the top,
it balances out my discretion about Phillip
Seymour Hoffman's character!

ME
You mean that he's gay?

THE DIRECTOR
Only those with intuition most sage shall reveal
such a truth.

ME
I thought it was obvious given the whole gym
period fingernail sermon. Or the two sugar cubes
debacle. Or when Meryl Streep was in the atrium
collecting sticks to form a fagot for literally
no discernable reason. Or also--

THE DIRECTOR
Okay, fine. But when you've got a film that's
THIS important, it's acceptable to sacrifice
subtlety.

ME
Given the nature of the subject matter and
your last statement, this film suggests to me
that you think tabloids are mighty important.

THE DIRECTOR
I don't think you understand the significance
of the situation. I'm chronicling serious stuff
right here. It actually happened!

ME
So you're saying this concept alone provides
Doubt with irrefutable heft, regardless of
how little filmmaking techniques and story
telling are used to convey meaning?

THE DIRECTOR
You bet! People may indulge themselves with
fantasies about ancient warriors, starships,
and the Bovarian [sic] Illuminazis [sic...],
but those trifles just can't compete with real
life.

ME
And your embellishment of the "personal stories"
behind this nigh-overblown incident constitutes
reality?

THE DIRECTOR
If Doubt isn't completely authentic, I don't
know what is. I mean sure, I take an artistic
liberty here and there, kind of like 300, but
it's all in the name of truthfulness.

ME
I just feel all these subpar semi-biographies
that defer to "based on a true story" when
confronted with fault is kind of like beating
a dead nun here.

THE DIRECTOR
Why do you intertwine nuns and idioms? What
did nuns ever do to you?

ME
I don't know. I think it's purely factual. I've
never beat a dead horse, but I have beat a dead
nun before.

THE DIRECTOR
For real?

ME
Yeah.

THE DIRECTOR
Can I make a movie about your experiences? It's
guaranteed to garner the same Oscar praise as
Doubt. Your character is going to have to be a
tortured soul though. The killing will just be
an unfortunate misunderstanding because the
nun is actually a prostitute with a heart of gold.

THE DIRECTOR (CONT'D)
That, or she's black and the film will take place
in the south.

ME
Well, I totally agree with you there. Awardsy
organizations go nuts for that kind of thing.

THE DIRECTOR
Damn straight they do! The way I see it, my
only competition for Most Real Picture is the
film where that poor kid gets the chance of a
lifetime to earn his way out of those lurid
ghettos on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? and
he takes a bathroom break mid-question. Holy
[ EXPLETIVE DELETED ] I am simply in awe!

THE DIRECTOR (CONT'D)
The name escapes me, however.

ME
I think you're referring to Quiz Show. If I'm not
mistaken, that guy who played the tyrannical
nazi in Schindler's List is the protagonist, and
his plight tragically comes to an end when John
Turturro's character beats him to death with
his pimp cane.

THE DIRECTOR
What magnificent, top-notch drama! It certainly
proves that true-to-life stories are great in any
medium! What a cash cow! It sure is great to be
milking this nun!

THE DIRECTOR (CONT'D)
(confused)
What?

ME
Milking this nun?

THE DIRECTOR
What?

ME
A nun metaphor. You just used one.

THE DIRECTOR
(awkward silence)

ME
You too?

THE DIRECTOR
[ EXPLETIVE DELETED ]


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